Today's the day

The final day of waiting for something to happen always seems to take the longest! My suitcase is partially packed; most of the girls' stuff is taken care of. Need to clean out the car and finish putting things together for leaving this evening. Car insurance was taken care of, printed out the paperwork this morning.

Besides getting the rest of the physical stuff all together, all 3 of the kids are getting bathed today. They played a lot outside yesterday and were all up late. Bodies and hair need scrubbed squeaky clean. The younger pair is up and eating breakfast, watching Dragon Tales. Wonder Girl is still asleep; she was up latest, reading a book. Kid after my own heart even though there's no blood connection :)

Leaving sometime between 6-7 tonight, I believe. It's an approximately 5 hour drive, not included pit stop potty breaks for little girls.

Going to miss my husband very much. Thankfully we were able to stay up late last night and spend a bunch of time together. Excited to go, but also can't wait to be back home and in his arms again.

Fingers crossed the day quickens up and goes smoothly.

Yours truly,

Liz

My 'Buttercup'

"And I can't change, even if I tried. Even if I wanted to. And I can't change. My love, she keeps me warm."

Thinking of her more than usual today. She's going through some difficult times again and I wish I could be there for her more than just words and a voice. Things are hectic there and here, and I wished we could talk more. But I understand how things are and wait patiently until there's time for us to catch up again.

We met online to begin with. My picture was up on a group page, as part of a game. It asked if this woman was your Valentine, what you would do for her for a date. Buttercup was the only one who commented on my photo. She said dinner, chocolates, wine. I told her thank you, she was very sweet. So she started messaging me, then we began texting. We talked on the phone and shared about our lives. We were just looking for a friend with similar tastes to talk to, flirt with, nothing serious. I talked about my husband; we shared stories about our kids, our exes. She lives with hers, they have two kids also. Her beautiful kids are an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. I think the four kids would get along great if they were to meet.

Over time, over letters and messages and long conversations, I began to realize that what had started as a simple friendship had turned into more somewhere along the way. She went from being someone nice to talk to, to an integral part of my life that I couldn't do without. Physical contact is great, but it is not needed to feel things for someone. To recognize a match lit within someone else's soul that burns with yours. We continued on like this for a while before she actually asked me to be her girlfriend and it became sort of a poly-amorous relationship with all of us.

One day, I went downstairs to answer a call from her, thinking it'd be just another typical conversation. Instead, I answered the phone to hear her crying. The sound of those falling tears tore me up inside. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, holding her, helping her. Her on and off again ex girlfriend had attacked her. Rage and agony and anger overtook me when we got off the phone. How dare someone hurt this woman, someone who was loving and kind and all around such a good damn person? I had already disliked this ex, but at that point I wanted nothing more than to hitchhike out of state and hunt her down. I can't stand people like that. I've been hurt, but never like that. Hearing someone you love ache like that? It seizes your heart and shreds it. There have been a few times since when I've felt the same, such a fierce panic in my chest.

I love her. She loves me. I know we will likely never reside in the same town, see each other ever let alone on a regular basis, but that's not enough to make me cut the ties I have to her. She has a part of my heart and whether I'm with her or not, that won't change. Yes, I love my husband. We have a great relationship, where this is concerned. It's all one hundred percent open, honest, and good. They get along wonderfully and are so similar on the outside, while she matches me physically. I could never have imagined finding a kindred soul like her, even a couple thousand miles away.

I just wanted people to understand that this was all a surprise to me, at first, also. I have known for years that I had an attraction to the female gender. I have identified as bisexual since I was 15. It wasn't until recently that I discovered the deeper parts of myself that made me realize that I am not bi, but pan. Hearts, not parts, as they say. No matter the gender or body my loves have, they will always be those that I love and are physically attracted to. Personally, that makes me feel pretty lucky. I shall always be able to love someone's parts that truly matter. It goes a long way in accepting someone in aspects other than romantic also.

Someday I hope I'll be able to call her name in public, tag her online, and scream to the world that this is the woman that I love. Until then, she is and shall always be my beautiful Buttercup. I don't think she'll ever know just how much she means to me.

Thank you for reading, it's been a long, hard day and it's only halfway done. If anyone has any questions or comments, feel free to comment on these posts. Would love to actually have some communication on here, besides just seeing that anonymous people are reading them :)

She is the muse behind my poems In My Dreams, So Much Love, Do the Distance, and From Where You Are, which are all on my Poetry by Lyz blog (link in 2nd post).

"Thinking Out Loud" -Ed Sheeran

"Comedown" -Bush

"Like You Ain't Even Gone" -Florida Georgia Line

Yours truly,

Liz

Road trip!

I've been really looking forward to our upcoming drive down to Klamath Falls. We are leaving this Thursday night, likely arriving super early Friday morning. It's been almost four years since I visited there the first and last time I did so. That time was visiting Crystal and her family, staying with them, and visiting with my dad around the Christmas we first had Gwen. It was Tom, Gwen, and I driving down there. This time, Crystal and I and our three girls are going down there together. She's taking the girls to a family event and I'm staying with Gwen at my dad and step-mom's house while down there.

My husband will be staying home because he works all of the days we'll be gone. I just realized this morning how hard it will be to be away from him for that long. No, I'm not going to cancel going or anything, but I'll miss him. It's been rare to have to sleep alone these past five years, especially the over four we've actually been living together. Hoping there's enough time before I have to leave to spend some quality time together, just the two of us.

Trying to communicate with him that I really will miss him. I know he's upset that I'm leaving because he sleeps poorly alone with his night terrors and neither one of us have ever been without Gwen for more than a few hours at a time. I also need to talk to Gwen and let her know what we're doing. Remind her that we can call Daddy anytime she wants, but we won't see him for a few days. Fingers crossed she understands and doesn't get too upset about it. Thankfully, I think my dad has a webcam so we may be able to video call him on his phone at some point.

Take care of your loved ones, hold them close. Make sure they know how much you care, because even though it's 'obvious', little reminders make the heart very happy <3

Yours truly,

Liz

When do you make breakfast?

I created a poll on my blog, asking when you make breakfast at home. I'm normally the only adult up early in the mornings, so I generally deal with every morning meal. I tend to make things like cereal, toast, PB&Js, sometimes oatmeal or French toast or eggs.

My annoyance lately is that when the kids wake up, they practically demand to be fed. ‘I want food!’ or ‘I want my breakfast now’. I really don’t like being bossed around, especially by 3, 4, and 7 year olds. I asked my 4 year old niece a few times: have I ever starved you? 'Well... no.' Then don't order me to feed you. I'll make your food in a moment. It never takes more than a half hour before they have food in front of them and are munching away, but I want them to learn some patience. And that I’m not a short order cook, or maid, or babysitter, who works for them.

I like to be fully awake before making anything, personally. Last week, I groggily went to put milk in their cereal bowls and poured juice in the first one by mistake. That got dumped out >.< Another habit of mine is getting a load of dishes washed and started in the dish washer BEFORE making more dirty dishes. That way at least one load gets done every single morning.

So vote on my poll, leave me a comment; I need some advice, want some opinions!

Thank you for reading!

Yours truly,

Liz

A silver lining

Fate smiled on me today. I received a text message from a friend I hadn't been in contact with much in over a year. She asked me to call her and we talked for almost an hour. It was a good conversation. Planning to have dinner with her and her family tomorrow for the holiday. Nervous, as we had been friends from the age of 12 and losing touch with each other the way we did hurt.  Hoping tomorrow goes off well. Cannot wait to see them.

If you read this, know that I've loved you no matter what, and missed you something fierce. You were my closest friend, a sister I could talk to about anything, which was always there for me. I'm sorry I took you for granted before.

You always laughed at my jokes. Listened to my insane life stories.

Kept my language clean at school. I looked up to you and still do.

I promise I'm not the same as I was in middle school, and for sure high school. I'm better at listening instead of just talking, although I do ramble when anxious, as you may have noticed on the phone today. And for what it counts, I'm extremely proud of you. You're still here. Still fighting your own fights to be in this world. I love your family like my own and think of you all often.

Keep your ears and hearts open, friends. Make sure that when you talk to your friends about your life; ask them about theirs in return. They may need you more than they can let on.

Yours truly,

Liz

Hello :)

Feel free to share this blog with others, follow it, comment, ask questions. I am trying to use this as a way to communicate better with more than just those around me. By branching out to the world and learning about things I do not know. To share my stories, to hear stories from others, without the overused Facebooks and Twitters, etc. Thanks for reading.

Your truly,

Liz

P.S. Here is a link to my poetry blog, Poetry by Lyz, that I've had for a while. Share, comment, follow it too if you want :) http://poetrybylyz.blogspot.com/