October 5th, 2015

Had thought the bleeding was going away, but it got worse... Hoping that means it's over soon... Have been trying to medicate my mind with music in my ear non-stop. It helps, but only to a certain degree. I don't know what to do with my time. Before, I spent a lot of time dreaming about the future and baby names, etc. But with this depression, nothing sounds appealing. I do what I have to to pass the time, but that's about it. Cleaning is a never-ending vicious cycle that's exhausting to no end. Reading and watching shows doesn't hold the same appeal I'm used to. Depression has been within me, off and on, for almost half of my life, but it's never been this bad.

I watch everyone else enjoy their lives, but constantly try to be just a shadow in the background. Have been thinking about starting up a gofundme account to try and make ends meet, but I don’t know if it would do any good. We *may* be able to borrow enough money to pay for rent, but there will likely be nothing left afterwards for gas for Tom to get to work if he’s able to start back up at the pharmacy this week and we are past due on almost every single bill in our names.

Today the clinic should call me with the test results from the blood draw they did on Friday. Also need to ask about my appointment that was supposed to be on Wednesday for intake and insurance, because I still need the insurance. Cannot afford these prescriptions! And I really want the prenatal vitamins, although they hadn’t been called in to the pharmacy on Friday when I went to pick it up. Only the Naproxen had been and that cost over $13. Not sure how much the vitamins will cost, but as soon as this bleeding is over with, we’ve been told it’s safe to try to conceive again.

Should we? I know we want to, but I don’t know if now is a good time… I’d just finally accepted my baby and was getting so excited about having another little one around when those dreams crashed and burned… My mind is a whirl of chaos. My roommate starts her new job tomorrow and Tom should be back at work soon, so he’ll have both of his jobs back, meaning everyone will be working. Except me. Being a stay at home person has been much easier with other’s around to make it a group effort.

Trying to find something to occupy my mind so I don’t dwell on the negatives so frequently. Have plans with a friend on Wednesday at least, so can’t wait for that. Also have plans to make plans with a different friend once I’m more comfortable walking about outside.

Dear Baby V, (Oct 3 2015)

5 weeks you existed, and I only knew you for around 1.

Another week along and we would have been able to hear your heart beating. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not that it didn't get to that point, and then have us lose you anyway...

Stomach has been sore and achy all day. Not like the cramps, but an 'ugh' feeling :/

I miss you, Baby V.

Your sisters were heartbroken to hear of your loss today. They said what I keep thinking: I don't want the baby to be gone.

It's my strongest feeling, thought, and wish.

I want you alive and growing where you should be. Getting bigger and more developed by the day.

I know it's no one's fault that you are gone, but I can't help, but be upset still.

You were, and always will be, my sweet baby.

My darling Gemini.

I truly hate when I cannot control things in my life.

Especially this.

I want you back so damn bad. More than anything in the world.

I wish we had gotten a miracle, but it just wasn't meant to be. I know we were lucky to have you at all.

I've been reaching out to other mommies of angel babies like you. It's helped me more than I thought it would. I know that I am not alone in this struggle to survive.

I know that telling myself you're not gone won't make it true. Denial is pointless. The pain is a harsh reality.

Hoping I can shower in the morning so I feel more like myself. Wanted to tonight, but it's been such a long day...

Laying in bed trying not to hurt anymore, physically. Emotionally? A part of me went with you and will never fully return.

Mommy will be okay, someday :/

I love you, Baby V.

Be happy and safe and healthy, wherever you are now, my precious angel.

Dear Baby V, (Oct 1 2015)

I am so sorry I ever questioned you being a blessing, Baby V.

Mommy will love you forever. I will keep the names we thought up for you and pass them on if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, someday.

I wish I could stop this process. Heal you, whatever it would take.

I know you would have been a beautiful and amazing baby boy or girl, just like your two big sisters.

They were so excited when we found out about you. Almost everyone was.

You were likely going to be the last baby I ever had. But I promise, I won't give up now. I won't be scared. I'll make you proud.

Every time I think that I'm fine, or that the worst is over, the tears start all over again.

I love you, Baby V. I know Daddy does, too.

I'm trying to be ok, it's just hard... I wish I had been able to watch you grow, get to know you, name you. Hold you someday...

I hope that your next life gets a chance to truly begin.

I love you so much.

October 1st, 2015

On September 24th, I found out that I was pregnant again.

By September 28th, I was having light spotting. Talked to an advice nurse and other moms and they said this was normal at the beginning of a pregnancy.

The cramping began on September 30th. My husband took me to the hospital where we spent several hours getting blood drawn, having external and internal ultrasounds done, etc. The doctor said the yolk sack was abnormally shaped. There was blood between it and the uterine wall. My HCG levels were over 1200 on Tuesday, but had dropped down to 900. We were going to miscarry.

Today is one week after getting a positive result on all of the at home pregnancy tests I took.

And all I can do at this point is sit around and wait for all of the tissue to flush itself from my body.

I don't want to lose my baby, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

I'm angry at my body. Beyond distraught. Our baby would have been born on or around May 21st, 2016. Tom will tell the girls what happened in a few days, because I'm not going to be able to do it...