Had thought the bleeding was going away,
but it got worse... Hoping that means it's over soon... Have been trying to
medicate my mind with music in my ear non-stop. It helps, but only to a certain
degree. I don't know what to do with my time. Before, I spent a lot of time
dreaming about the future and baby names, etc. But with this depression,
nothing sounds appealing. I do what I have to to pass the time, but that's
about it. Cleaning is a never-ending vicious cycle that's exhausting to no end.
Reading and watching shows doesn't hold the same appeal I'm used to. Depression
has been within me, off and on, for almost half of my life, but it's never been
this bad.
I watch everyone else enjoy their lives,
but constantly try to be just a shadow in the background. Have been thinking
about starting up a gofundme account to try and make ends meet, but I don’t
know if it would do any good. We *may* be able to borrow enough money to pay
for rent, but there will likely be nothing left afterwards for gas for Tom to
get to work if he’s able to start back up at the pharmacy this week and we are
past due on almost every single bill in our names.
Today the clinic should call me with the
test results from the blood draw they did on Friday. Also need to ask about my
appointment that was supposed to be on Wednesday for intake and insurance,
because I still need the insurance. Cannot afford these prescriptions! And I
really want the prenatal vitamins, although they hadn’t been called in to the
pharmacy on Friday when I went to pick it up. Only the Naproxen had been and
that cost over $13. Not sure how much the vitamins will cost, but as soon as
this bleeding is over with, we’ve been told it’s safe to try to conceive again.
Should we? I know we want to, but I don’t
know if now is a good time… I’d just finally accepted my baby and was getting
so excited about having another little one around when those dreams crashed and
burned… My mind is a whirl of chaos. My roommate starts her new job tomorrow
and Tom should be back at work soon, so he’ll have both of his jobs back,
meaning everyone will be working. Except me. Being a stay at home person has
been much easier with other’s around to make it a group effort.
Trying to find something to occupy my
mind so I don’t dwell on the negatives so frequently. Have plans with a friend
on Wednesday at least, so can’t wait for that. Also have plans to make plans
with a different friend once I’m more comfortable walking about outside.
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