Monday, October 5, 2015

October 5th, 2015

Had thought the bleeding was going away, but it got worse... Hoping that means it's over soon... Have been trying to medicate my mind with music in my ear non-stop. It helps, but only to a certain degree. I don't know what to do with my time. Before, I spent a lot of time dreaming about the future and baby names, etc. But with this depression, nothing sounds appealing. I do what I have to to pass the time, but that's about it. Cleaning is a never-ending vicious cycle that's exhausting to no end. Reading and watching shows doesn't hold the same appeal I'm used to. Depression has been within me, off and on, for almost half of my life, but it's never been this bad.
I watch everyone else enjoy their lives, but constantly try to be just a shadow in the background. Have been thinking about starting up a gofundme account to try and make ends meet, but I don’t know if it would do any good. We *may* be able to borrow enough money to pay for rent, but there will likely be nothing left afterwards for gas for Tom to get to work if he’s able to start back up at the pharmacy this week and we are past due on almost every single bill in our names.
Today the clinic should call me with the test results from the blood draw they did on Friday. Also need to ask about my appointment that was supposed to be on Wednesday for intake and insurance, because I still need the insurance. Cannot afford these prescriptions! And I really want the prenatal vitamins, although they hadn’t been called in to the pharmacy on Friday when I went to pick it up. Only the Naproxen had been and that cost over $13. Not sure how much the vitamins will cost, but as soon as this bleeding is over with, we’ve been told it’s safe to try to conceive again.
Should we? I know we want to, but I don’t know if now is a good time… I’d just finally accepted my baby and was getting so excited about having another little one around when those dreams crashed and burned… My mind is a whirl of chaos. My roommate starts her new job tomorrow and Tom should be back at work soon, so he’ll have both of his jobs back, meaning everyone will be working. Except me. Being a stay at home person has been much easier with other’s around to make it a group effort.

Trying to find something to occupy my mind so I don’t dwell on the negatives so frequently. Have plans with a friend on Wednesday at least, so can’t wait for that. Also have plans to make plans with a different friend once I’m more comfortable walking about outside.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Dear Baby V, (Oct 3 2015)

5 weeks you existed, and I only knew you for around 1.

Another week along and we would have been able to hear your heart beating. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not that it didn't get to that point, and then have us lose you anyway...

Stomach has been sore and achy all day. Not like the cramps, but an 'ugh' feeling :/

I miss you, Baby V.

Your sisters were heartbroken to hear of your loss today. They said what I keep thinking: I don't want the baby to be gone.

It's my strongest feeling, thought, and wish.

I want you alive and growing where you should be. Getting bigger and more developed by the day.

I know it's no one's fault that you are gone, but I can't help, but be upset still.

You were, and always will be, my sweet baby.

My darling Gemini.

I truly hate when I cannot control things in my life.

Especially this.

I want you back so damn bad. More than anything in the world.

I wish we had gotten a miracle, but it just wasn't meant to be. I know we were lucky to have you at all.

I've been reaching out to other mommies of angel babies like you. It's helped me more than I thought it would. I know that I am not alone in this struggle to survive.

I know that telling myself you're not gone won't make it true. Denial is pointless. The pain is a harsh reality.

Hoping I can shower in the morning so I feel more like myself. Wanted to tonight, but it's been such a long day...

Laying in bed trying not to hurt anymore, physically. Emotionally? A part of me went with you and will never fully return.

Mommy will be okay, someday :/

I love you, Baby V.

Be happy and safe and healthy, wherever you are now, my precious angel.

Dear Baby V, (Oct 1 2015)

I am so sorry I ever questioned you being a blessing, Baby V.

Mommy will love you forever. I will keep the names we thought up for you and pass them on if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, someday.

I wish I could stop this process. Heal you, whatever it would take.

I know you would have been a beautiful and amazing baby boy or girl, just like your two big sisters.

They were so excited when we found out about you. Almost everyone was.

You were likely going to be the last baby I ever had. But I promise, I won't give up now. I won't be scared. I'll make you proud.

Every time I think that I'm fine, or that the worst is over, the tears start all over again.

I love you, Baby V. I know Daddy does, too.

I'm trying to be ok, it's just hard... I wish I had been able to watch you grow, get to know you, name you. Hold you someday...

I hope that your next life gets a chance to truly begin.

I love you so much.

October 1st, 2015

On September 24th, I found out that I was pregnant again.

By September 28th, I was having light spotting. Talked to an advice nurse and other moms and they said this was normal at the beginning of a pregnancy.

The cramping began on September 30th. My husband took me to the hospital where we spent several hours getting blood drawn, having external and internal ultrasounds done, etc. The doctor said the yolk sack was abnormally shaped. There was blood between it and the uterine wall. My HCG levels were over 1200 on Tuesday, but had dropped down to 900. We were going to miscarry.

Today is one week after getting a positive result on all of the at home pregnancy tests I took.

And all I can do at this point is sit around and wait for all of the tissue to flush itself from my body.

I don't want to lose my baby, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

I'm angry at my body. Beyond distraught. Our baby would have been born on or around May 21st, 2016. Tom will tell the girls what happened in a few days, because I'm not going to be able to do it...

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Off Day (8/20/15)

Having one of those emotionally off kilter days. Had originally planned to get a lot of stuff done around the house today, but my heart's just not up for it. You know, like when you get up and get dressed and brush your hair and are ready to go and then all of a sudden you'd rather just curl up into a ball and go back to bed? Yep, that's me today. I woke up, watched an episode of Red Band Society, then moved a bunch of the husband's and I's laundry into the room. Got dressed, had a smoke, brushed my hair. Then my good intentions fell to pieces.

I don't know what causes changes like these. I don't really like them, either. Have some music playing in my ear and hoping to regain at least some semblance of a normal mood :/ Wish me luck? It's days like this when I ache to reach out to a friend and talk to someone, but the mere idea of bothering someone with my mood just cripples those thoughts. So I try to keep it inside, as to not bring down the mood of other people around me.

Hubby is at work until noon. We need to go turn in pop cans because after Mark brought us 3 bags from himself and another 3 from someone who lives near where he parks his car, as well as our own, there's like 8 bags all together. We split can money between Tom and Crystal, normally for gas or cigarette money.

Two out of three kids are awake, have eaten their breakfasts and are watching cartoons. Need them all to help fold and put away their own laundry today, but may not get that far.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.

Sincerely,

Liz.

Update about Neighbor

I keep forgetting to update everyone on what's going on with the jerk next door. Sorry it's taken so long to post something!

This is the text I received from the female co-owner:

"Hi Elizabeth, thanks again for your and Crystal's testimony. The judge made a ruling today that Kevin has to be out of the 4734 house within 60 days. She also stipulated that he should have no control of the rentals and that we have to sell them all. As you still have your lease, the plan would be to sell it to another investor. I have notified the property management company. I'll make sure to keep you both informed on the next steps." August 11th, 2015

Our lease isn't up until next summer, so nothing can change with us living here or the amount of rent we pay until at least that point.

Also, he's still in jail at this point. No word on when he's due to be released.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Sentinal



            There once was a male who was the embodiment of all of the sky and stars above. When he was joyful, the sun shined brightly on the vast lands beneath his watch. When he grew saddened, the wind and rains swept over everything, and when enraged, the thunder storms would echo all around. Days turned to months, which grew into years and centuries. He watched as the creations of the other gods evolved, flourished, and died out. A continuous cycle of life.
            All this time he simply observed from above, never once attempting to interact with others. He enjoyed seeing things brought to life in the spring time. Flowers and crops, creatures and beasts giving birth. The death and stillness of winter reminded him of how lonely he was, so far above everything.
            The gods has created him as this grand guardian, but standing sentry was tiresome. The stars were expansive, but a very cold homestead they made. In being only a sentinel, he could not assist or intervene in any of those lives below. When the magnificent and fierce lizard and bird creatures fell beneath a worldwide meteor shower, all he could do was watch in despair. How could the gods so easily destroy that world? What had they done to deserve becoming forcibly extinct?
            But then there came the beings the gods made in their own images. At first they were cowardly, crude things seeming more animal, than intelligent organisms. Time proved them to be every changing, however. They learned to walk upright instead of dragging their knuckles in the dirt. They went from only gathering seeds and fruits to hunting furred creatures and those that swam in the waters. They discovered fire to cook their meat with.
            Although he once hated them for replacing those he’d watched over before, he quickly found them to be much more entertaining to oversee. After a good many bouts of evolutionary processes, these things now closely resembled the gods who had molded them, breathed life into them. Minus the godheads of immortality and supernatural abilities, of course.
Season upon season passed by gradually as his boredom grew anew. History in the making could be a very dull way to pass the time. Eventually, tribes of these people that were red from their days in the sun and the clay of the land beneath, captured his attentions. There were many different factions of them across the terrain and each one was different from the next. Their tribes each developed their own language patterns, clothing styles, and customs. One tribe in particular, who called themselves the Nimíipuu, later known as the Nez Perce people, made him pause.
Specifically, a youthful maiden who had a kind manner and a healing touch. Individuals from all over would come to her with aches and illnesses of all kinds. She had studied the plants and found those that could ease burns, wounds, a woman’s monthly pains, all sorts of sicknesses. The people and animals of the land seemed naturally drawn to her warm spirit. He watched as her youth faded and she matured into a beautiful woman. She would lay and watch the sky for hours. He imagined that she could see him, gazing longingly at her as she smiled upwards and this was a soothing balm on his unending seclusion. Oh how he wished he has a physical form, one she could see and feel and heal, but alas he was only corporeal when the gods decreed.
Once the maiden fully matured, the village elder (her grandfather), chose a warrior to be her mate. Begrudgingly, she accepted this, as she had no say in the matter. Late at night, when she was alone with her medicines and the vast stars above, she would speak of how unhappy she was with her situation. This mate forbade her from searching the woods for her medicinal supplies. He laid his hands on her cruelly when he became angry with her. He lusted after other maidens that were much too young for her and didn’t even try to keep it from her. The sentinel watched her suffer, with no way of wiping away her tears or communicating to her that she was a precious gem that that imbecile was a fool the neglect. The night she lay injured and wishing she could end her life, he knew he had played the watchman for too long.


Leaving the heavens, his spirit form moved along the dream lands and made his way to the palace of the gods. It was an extravagant, gilded place, far hidden from the eyes of mankind. Seeking out the goddess of love, he found her in her marble throne room. She reclined on a silk chaise, blissful as her servants massaged scented oils into her skin and hand fed her ambrosia. Immediately, she sensed his presence. He was ancient, masculine, and roiling with fury. With a whisk of her hand, she grounded him in a form that wasn’t fully there, but could at least be seen.
“Good day, Guardian of the Skies and all of that below. How may I assist you? It isn’t like you to leave your post. Ever.” She said, pointedly. Kneeling before her radiant form, the Guardian avoided her lustful gaze. He did not wish to join her countless list of lovers, where every male and female alike was simply a conquest.
“Goddess of Love, deity of Beauty, a favor I beseech you for. I have not once in my existence asked for anything from any of the gods, but I can no longer be silent.” He pleaded in polite reverence.
“Arise, Guardian. He who is even older in embodiment than I. What is it you would ask of me? Shall I assume that since it is I you have sought out, that this pertains to matters of the heart?” She motioned for her men to cease their ministrations and await her next command. The one closest to her, a barely full-grown male, rubbed his head on her leg like a kitten seeking affection. She absent mindedly caressed his golden curls. Scowling at that behavior, the spirit cleared his throat.
“There is a mortal woman in danger. She is being mistreated by her mate and wishes to end her life. She is a great healer and crucial to her people’s future. He is an abuser, an adulterer, a fiend. I would beg of you to give me a mortal form. To ease her suffering and show her that she is a worthy woman that any other man would cherish like the rarest of treasures. That her selfless nature has not been in vain and she is needed in this world. I would die for this woman, if it was possible to do so.” He stayed close to the floor, his words edged in desperation and adoration for this mortal female.
She sat up while listening to him, bright eyes gleaming with a mix of unknown emotions and just a hint of mischievousness. Cocking her head, she tapped her cheek with a well manicured finger, as if deeply pondering his request. She enjoyed the drawing out of silence, antagonizing him, whilst amusing herself. Finally, she pushed herself up and stood. Before he even had the chance to blink, she was standing directly in front of him. Hands came up on each side of his would be face and her bow shaped lips pressed near to his.
His spirit filled with a white hot, molten feeling, as her power pouring into him from her. Minutes later, she let go and he feel to his knees, gasping. It took him a moment to realize that he was struggling for breath. That his knees ached where they had hit the marble floor. During that ‘kiss’, she had made him flesh and blood. He looked down at his new hands in shock. Ten fingers on two strong looking hands, tawny skin similar in tone to that of the woman he coveted. The goddess made a full length mirror appear and gestured for him to take a look. He had well muscled arms that flexed when they moved. Broad shoulders, corded neck, the build of a hunter. The black hairs on his chest, arms, and legs were sparse, but a thick trail of it went from his pectorals to lower, disappearing beneath a pair of leather leggings. Matching moccasins covered his feet.
He turned around in awe of this miraculous feat, stopping finally to look himself in the eyes for the first time in his existence. A slightly pointed jaw, dimpled chin, straight nose, firm lips that still tingled slightly from the taste of the goddess’ impressive power, stared back at him. Dark brows over storm gray eyes, fringed with even darker lashes and full of ancient knowledge. He raised a hand to run through his straight black, long hair and smiled as his heart leapt in exhilaration.
“Thank you, dearest Goddess. You will not regret this boon!” He turned towards the door he had come in through, wondering how to return to the mortal realm from the gods’ mountain.
“I did not do this as an act of kindness, Guardian.” She stopped him, returned to her seat. “I require something in return.”
“Anything, my lady. Just name your price and it is done.” He said.
“My price is this abuser, this charlatan hero, trussed up like a prized hog. I am the goddess Aphrodite, Inanna, Venus, Ixcuina. I am a protector of women and will not let this injustice stand. Capture him with this unbreakable rope and call for me so I can see justice served. For this price, I shall allow you this form for three full cycles of the moon.” She declared, a servant approaching the guardian with said rope and a leather pouch to carry it in. He took the pouch and slung it over his shoulder, waiting to be released by the goddess.
“I shall do my best, Goddess.” He replied.
“You do that, Guardian. I shall place you near where you wish to go. Do not disappoint me.” As he nodded, his form faded from her hall and appeared within the mortal realm.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Today's the day

The final day of waiting for something to happen always seems to take the longest! My suitcase is partially packed; most of the girls' stuff is taken care of. Need to clean out the car and finish putting things together for leaving this evening. Car insurance was taken care of, printed out the paperwork this morning.

Besides getting the rest of the physical stuff all together, all 3 of the kids are getting bathed today. They played a lot outside yesterday and were all up late. Bodies and hair need scrubbed squeaky clean. The younger pair is up and eating breakfast, watching Dragon Tales. Wonder Girl is still asleep; she was up latest, reading a book. Kid after my own heart even though there's no blood connection :)

Leaving sometime between 6-7 tonight, I believe. It's an approximately 5 hour drive, not included pit stop potty breaks for little girls.

Going to miss my husband very much. Thankfully we were able to stay up late last night and spend a bunch of time together. Excited to go, but also can't wait to be back home and in his arms again.

Fingers crossed the day quickens up and goes smoothly.

Yours truly,

Liz

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

My 'Buttercup'


"And I can't change, even if I tried. Even if I wanted to. And I can't change. My love, she keeps me warm."

Thinking of her more than usual today. She's going through some difficult times again and I wish I could be there for her more than just words and a voice. Things are hectic there and here, and I wished we could talk more. But I understand how things are and wait patiently until there's time for us to catch up again.

We met online to begin with. My picture was up on a group page, as part of a game. It asked if this woman was your Valentine, what you would do for her for a date. Buttercup was the only one who commented on my photo. She said dinner, chocolates, wine. I told her thank you, she was very sweet. So she started messaging me, then we began texting. We talked on the phone and shared about our lives. We were just looking for a friend with similar tastes to talk to, flirt with, nothing serious. I talked about my husband; we shared stories about our kids, our exes. She lives with hers, they have two kids also. Her beautiful kids are an 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. I think the four kids would get along great if they were to meet.

Over time, over letters and messages and long conversations, I began to realize that what had started as a simple friendship had turned into more somewhere along the way. She went from being someone nice to talk to, to an integral part of my life that I couldn't do without. Physical contact is great, but it is not needed to feel things for someone. To recognize a match lit within someone else's soul that burns with yours. We continued on like this for a while before she actually asked me to be her girlfriend and it became sort of a poly-amorous relationship with all of us.

One day, I went downstairs to answer a call from her, thinking it'd be just another typical conversation. Instead, I answered the phone to hear her crying. The sound of those falling tears tore me up inside. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, holding her, helping her. Her on and off again ex girlfriend had attacked her. Rage and agony and anger overtook me when we got off the phone. How dare someone hurt this woman, someone who was loving and kind and all around such a good damn person? I had already disliked this ex, but at that point I wanted nothing more than to hitchhike out of state and hunt her down. I can't stand people like that. I've been hurt, but never like that. Hearing someone you love ache like that? It seizes your heart and shreds it. There have been a few times since when I've felt the same, such a fierce panic in my chest.

I love her. She loves me. I know we will likely never reside in the same town, see each other ever let alone on a regular basis, but that's not enough to make me cut the ties I have to her. She has a part of my heart and whether I'm with her or not, that won't change. Yes, I love my husband. We have a great relationship, where this is concerned. It's all one hundred percent open, honest, and good. They get along wonderfully and are so similar on the outside, while she matches me physically. I could never have imagined finding a kindred soul like her, even a couple thousand miles away.

I just wanted people to understand that this was all a surprise to me, at first, also. I have known for years that I had an attraction to the female gender. I have identified as bisexual since I was 15. It wasn't until recently that I discovered the deeper parts of myself that made me realize that I am not bi, but pan. Hearts, not parts, as they say. No matter the gender or body my loves have, they will always be those that I love and are physically attracted to. Personally, that makes me feel pretty lucky. I shall always be able to love someone's parts that truly matter. It goes a long way in accepting someone in aspects other than romantic also.

Someday I hope I'll be able to call her name in public, tag her online, and scream to the world that this is the woman that I love. Until then, she is and shall always be my beautiful Buttercup. I don't think she'll ever know just how much she means to me.

Thank you for reading, it's been a long, hard day and it's only halfway done. If anyone has any questions or comments, feel free to comment on these posts. Would love to actually have some communication on here, besides just seeing that anonymous people are reading them :)

She is the muse behind my poems In My Dreams, So Much Love, Do the Distance, and From Where You Are, which are all on my Poetry by Lyz blog (link in 2nd post).

"Thinking Out Loud" -Ed Sheeran
"Comedown" -Bush
"Like You Ain't Even Gone" -Florida Georgia Line

Yours truly,

Liz

Monday, July 6, 2015

Road trip!

I've been really looking forward to our upcoming drive down to Klamath Falls. We are leaving this Thursday night, likely arriving super early Friday morning. It's been almost four years since I visited there the first and last time I did so. That time was visiting Crystal and her family, staying with them, and visiting with my dad around the Christmas we first had Gwen. It was Tom, Gwen, and I driving down there. This time, Crystal and I and our three girls are going down there together. She's taking the girls to a family event and I'm staying with Gwen at my dad and step-mom's house while down there.

My husband will be staying home because he works all of the days we'll be gone. I just realized this morning how hard it will be to be away from him for that long. No, I'm not going to cancel going or anything, but I'll miss him. It's been rare to have to sleep alone these past five years, especially the over four we've actually been living together. Hoping there's enough time before I have to leave to spend some quality time together, just the two of us.

Trying to communicate with him that I really will miss him. I know he's upset that I'm leaving because he sleeps poorly alone with his night terrors and neither one of us have ever been without Gwen for more than a few hours at a time. I also need to talk to Gwen and let her know what we're doing. Remind her that we can call Daddy anytime she wants, but we won't see him for a few days. Fingers crossed she understands and doesn't get too upset about it. Thankfully, I think my dad has a webcam so we may be able to video call him on his phone at some point.

Take care of your loved ones, hold them close. Make sure they know how much you care, because even though it's 'obvious', little reminders make the heart very happy <3

Yours truly,

Liz

Saturday, July 4, 2015

When do you make breakfast?

I created a poll on my blog, asking when you make breakfast at home. I'm normally the only adult up early in the mornings, so I generally deal with every morning meal. I tend to make things like cereal, toast, PB&Js, sometimes oatmeal or French toast or eggs.

My annoyance lately is that when the kids wake up, they practically demand to be fed. ‘I want food!’ or ‘I want my breakfast now’. I really don’t like being bossed around, especially by 3, 4, and 7 year olds. I asked my 4 year old niece a few times: have I ever starved you? 'Well... no.' Then don't order me to feed you. I'll make your food in a moment. It never takes more than a half hour before they have food in front of them and are munching away, but I want them to learn some patience. And that I’m not a short order cook, or maid, or babysitter, who works for them.

I like to be fully awake before making anything, personally. Last week, I groggily went to put milk in their cereal bowls and poured juice in the first one by mistake. That got dumped out >.< Another habit of mine is getting a load of dishes washed and started in the dish washer BEFORE making more dirty dishes. That way at least one load gets done every single morning.

So vote on my poll, leave me a comment; I need some advice, want some opinions!

Thank you for reading!

Yours truly,

Liz