I've
had enough abandonment and abuse for this lifetime. And yes, there is
verbal abuse, too, and you're great at that. Quit trying to bring me
down to your level of hatred and sorrow. I used to live there, but
prefer my life as it is now. No, I'm not perfect, far from it and never
claimed to be. But I don't treat people like they are nothing. I don't
pit people against each other with rumors and crumbs of affection. If
you can't treat me like I am just as important as others that play the
same role in your life, then why do you need to even go through the
effort of contacting me in the first place? When the next day you go
back to acting like I don't exist. Until you need something or are mad
at me or my brother or your roommate. I'm done crying, done competing
for something that should never have been a contest to begin with.
I don't blame you for what happened when I was a kid, but I've been around you since I was 12 years old and these past few years have been downhill. All you post is how much you love my sister. How much you love her children. How perfect she is to you. Yes, I love her too, but where was she when you lost Cindy? I know she had a newborn baby, but she didn't try to help out at all, from what I saw. I spent $5 a day to be by your side almost weekly. Helped you clean, organize, take pictures, advertise the garage sale, assist at the actual garage sale, cleaning up so much afterwards to empty the entire house of all that we could, physically moved much more than I should have so you wouldn't try to do it all yourself and get hurt again. Etcetera. Yet as soon as there's something we don't agree on, I become the proverbial 'black sheep' and she's the 'chosen one'. My attempts to help you, not because I had to, but because I love you and wanted to help anyway that I could, are reduced to meaningless?
That is not unconditional love. 'Unconditional' means that no matter what they ever do in their lives, or say, or think, I will never show my girls anything but love. I will never praise one while condemning the other. I will never disown them because of what they do, who they like, or who they talk to. No one said we had to like the choices others make, but we shouldn't claim to hate them and never want to see them again just because we don't like those choices. I cannot even count how many times you've disowned me in the past thirteen years, sad as that is. My lucky little girls will never know the feeling of their hearts breaking like that. That's how it feels to me every single time you do it again.
I'm not going to unfriend you or block you. I'm not going to post anything else about you. I'm not going to cry over this anymore, after today. I will love myself enough and surround myself with those that truly love me so that it won't hurt as much. I know you will rail at me over this, but I'm not going to take it down.
Don't say that I'm wrong, that I'm just being delusional or emotional and so forth. I know you hate me, hate what I am. Who I am. Because I support marriage equality. Because I have talked to people you want, need, me to hate just because you do. I understand that you have reasons to feel how you do about them, but hate is not an inherited trait and I am incapable and just plain flat out refuse to hate without my own personal experiences behind that dark and disgusting emotion. I know you will hate me because I identify as a pan-sexual person, which I've only recently admitted to myself fully. Pan-sexual means loving all. It means I love people for their hearts, not their body parts. I don't care if a person is a man or a woman or was a man or woman and is now the other gender. Or anything in between. I have a big heart and it doesn't see the bodies, it sees the hearts and the souls and the minds hiding within that body. Those things matter more than their genitals, genders, race, social class, waist size, height, skin color, and more. I know you don't agree, I've never tried to convince you, but I can't and won't change.
I love a woman. She's the voice on the other end of the phone that cheers me up when I've had a hard day. She's the random letter in the mail wishing me a happy birthday or condolences or just saying hi. She's my height, my build, and beautiful inside and out. She's my best friend and an integral part of me. We talk daily, online and on the phone, we are there for each other no matter what. We've never fought, never judged each other, it's always been open and honest and I've never hidden anything from her or from my husband. When I met her I knew I could not exist without her in my life, in whatever way I could get. Souls call to like souls and no one has the power to control that.
I am NOT like this because my paternal grandmother is a lesbian. It's not genetic, it's not a disease, and I didn't become like this because of talking to her and her wife or ever spending time with them.
I love you, but I don't have to like how you act or how you treat me. I hope you feel better and get to be around for Stephanie and JD and Halona for a long time to come. As for me, don't worry I'll be fine, is all I have to say after all that, I guess. Take care of yourself, please.
Sincerely,
Liz.
I don't blame you for what happened when I was a kid, but I've been around you since I was 12 years old and these past few years have been downhill. All you post is how much you love my sister. How much you love her children. How perfect she is to you. Yes, I love her too, but where was she when you lost Cindy? I know she had a newborn baby, but she didn't try to help out at all, from what I saw. I spent $5 a day to be by your side almost weekly. Helped you clean, organize, take pictures, advertise the garage sale, assist at the actual garage sale, cleaning up so much afterwards to empty the entire house of all that we could, physically moved much more than I should have so you wouldn't try to do it all yourself and get hurt again. Etcetera. Yet as soon as there's something we don't agree on, I become the proverbial 'black sheep' and she's the 'chosen one'. My attempts to help you, not because I had to, but because I love you and wanted to help anyway that I could, are reduced to meaningless?
That is not unconditional love. 'Unconditional' means that no matter what they ever do in their lives, or say, or think, I will never show my girls anything but love. I will never praise one while condemning the other. I will never disown them because of what they do, who they like, or who they talk to. No one said we had to like the choices others make, but we shouldn't claim to hate them and never want to see them again just because we don't like those choices. I cannot even count how many times you've disowned me in the past thirteen years, sad as that is. My lucky little girls will never know the feeling of their hearts breaking like that. That's how it feels to me every single time you do it again.
I'm not going to unfriend you or block you. I'm not going to post anything else about you. I'm not going to cry over this anymore, after today. I will love myself enough and surround myself with those that truly love me so that it won't hurt as much. I know you will rail at me over this, but I'm not going to take it down.
Don't say that I'm wrong, that I'm just being delusional or emotional and so forth. I know you hate me, hate what I am. Who I am. Because I support marriage equality. Because I have talked to people you want, need, me to hate just because you do. I understand that you have reasons to feel how you do about them, but hate is not an inherited trait and I am incapable and just plain flat out refuse to hate without my own personal experiences behind that dark and disgusting emotion. I know you will hate me because I identify as a pan-sexual person, which I've only recently admitted to myself fully. Pan-sexual means loving all. It means I love people for their hearts, not their body parts. I don't care if a person is a man or a woman or was a man or woman and is now the other gender. Or anything in between. I have a big heart and it doesn't see the bodies, it sees the hearts and the souls and the minds hiding within that body. Those things matter more than their genitals, genders, race, social class, waist size, height, skin color, and more. I know you don't agree, I've never tried to convince you, but I can't and won't change.
I love a woman. She's the voice on the other end of the phone that cheers me up when I've had a hard day. She's the random letter in the mail wishing me a happy birthday or condolences or just saying hi. She's my height, my build, and beautiful inside and out. She's my best friend and an integral part of me. We talk daily, online and on the phone, we are there for each other no matter what. We've never fought, never judged each other, it's always been open and honest and I've never hidden anything from her or from my husband. When I met her I knew I could not exist without her in my life, in whatever way I could get. Souls call to like souls and no one has the power to control that.
I am NOT like this because my paternal grandmother is a lesbian. It's not genetic, it's not a disease, and I didn't become like this because of talking to her and her wife or ever spending time with them.
I love you, but I don't have to like how you act or how you treat me. I hope you feel better and get to be around for Stephanie and JD and Halona for a long time to come. As for me, don't worry I'll be fine, is all I have to say after all that, I guess. Take care of yourself, please.
Sincerely,
Liz.
No comments:
Post a Comment